As soon as I found out that I was pregnant, I started to feel depressed, angry, confused and afraid because It was unwanted. Everyday, I talked with my close friends; I could not stop crying, why it had happened to me? Why?
Every doctor I went to refused to give me safe abortion because they said they could do it only when my life is in danger. But getting pregnant and having baby was just the same as ending my life! But they refused anyway.
I live in the refugee camp at the border of Myanmar where there is no security and cases of sexual violence happens often. And Yes, I was one of the women who were repeatedly raped……… again and again.
Getting pregnant and having it in my womb always reminds me of that tragic event, that scene, that day.
My friends told me to use alcohol and soap, traditional herb, abdominal massage.. I tried everything but did not work out and instead I got weak day by day.
Life has no meaning at all for me and finally I decided to seek unsafe abortion referred by my friend. It was scary. A dark place with instruments.
One by the one the instruments went in, the pain get stronger and stronger.
All I can see was blood everywhere on the floor…I feel weaker and weaker…thirsty…afraid…sad…angry…painful………and slowly… . My eyes become heavier…Heavier…I was disconnected with the world…I thought I would wake up…but instead…I was outside of my body beside the bed…and slowly fading out.