Romantic proposals 101 from Asia
“Son, it is time for a young man’s thoughts to turn lightly to marriage. Who better to guide you than Sukhan Uncle?? He has so much experience. He has three sons who were married and now despite the pending court case for suspected dowry death by burning of his second wife, he has a third wife for himself also. And he has been to foreign and knows all about these romantic things. ” wink wink.
“So Uncle what is the best way to propose?”
“Well, you know that in the foreign they make the man go down on one knee and offer a ring or flowers at a romantic spot? Nonsense. Not in India. We are not like them. We have a deep and wonderful culture, where the girl’s family has to go on its knees. All of them. And offer us the girl along with a hefty contribution towards the new extension to the house or down payment on the car (since dowry is illegal now).
Some of your ‘modern’ friends may tell you to build a toilet inside the house so that it will send a message that you are progressive and caring. Or they may tell you to say you will not take dowry or will allow her to work after marriage. Don’t listen to those foolish young men. What have they seen of this world??
The top five methods to propose are
- Keep giving her a missed call. Everyday. Girls love that mysterious bad boy vibe.
- Whistle and call out random stuff when she passes you by on the road. Girls love that kind of attention.
- Offer an exchange for your sister to marry her brother. But if she is from an unfortunate family that has no sons then that is not possible.
- Offer her five times the love by asking her to marry all five of you brothers. Which woman would refuse such a magnificent offer?
If she refuses these charming offers, then you must first decide if you really want her. If you do then arrange to have her kidnapped.
Once she is in your custody her parents will be too shamed to ask her to come back because who in their right mind will marry her after this? Don’t worry about her not growing to like you. She will grow to love you and even look after you. The syndrome is named after Stockholm but it works very well here in India.
Of course if you don’t want her now that she has refused you then you could consider pouring acid on her face. Arrogant b**h. That way she and all the women in her family and community will learn a lesson. Never say no to a man. Justice must be done. That is our way.”
“ Son, when elders are talking young people must only listen !
- The top of the list, the most romantic way to propose to her is to rape her. Not only in India. This works in Pakistan, Bangladesh, Malaysia and even many countries in the Middle East.
It’s the best plan. Listen to her scream. If you are a real man who has drunk his mother’s milk then you will end up making her pregnant also. Then not only the girl’s parents will be begging you to marry her but the village elders will also endorse.
All old men of the village, yes, why should women be involved in such decisions? Of course they may also offer your sister to her brother to rape in front of the whole village …..but that’s ok. Honour rests in the woman’s vagina. It is written in the books. Kitabon mein likha hai. And justice must be done.
In India marital rape is not even criminalized, so you can continue raping her if she doesn’t come to her senses and agree to it on her own.
This is our culture and our civiliation. “
“Listen son, always make sure she is of the same caste as you or then we will be forced to hang both of you from the tree outside the village. We are nothing if not believers in gender equality and justice.
Our culture runs really deep you know. “
“ Yes, Uncle. I can see that. It is deep. Down to the seventh circle of hell.”